Easter is coming, and you know what that means: dyed eggs, rabbits, and profits for jelly bean companies (and dentists) followed by children across the nation in sugar comas. Jelly beans are versatile in flavor–people can make jelly beans taste like whatever the hell they want. Almost everyone has heard of the Buttered Popcorn flavor from Jelly Belly, so I will leave that one out, and include other odd flavors. Ingenuity of some genius (or mad scientist) employees brought about flavors like…
10. Black pepper
I’ll start on the fairly mild end…if not somewhat spicy. Jelly Belly promotes Harry Potter with Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. The mix includes average flavors like cherry, green apple, and watermelon, as well as some above-average flavors, like this. Of all of the weird Bertie Bott’s flavors, this one is probably the least offensive. At least black pepper is edible, if not associated dessert.
Would I try this: Yes, but not without a glass of water, and maybe a few saltines to cleanse my palate afterwards.
I love my readers too much to subject them to a nasty picture of earwax, so I managed to track down a photo of someone apparently holding an earwax jellybean (or so they said, but it looked like the picture in the Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor chart, so I’ll have to take their word for it.) I really have nothing to say about this one. Let’s move on from the Potter beans, shall we?
Would I try this: Not a snowball’s chance in hell.
Oh, Jelly Belly. When will it end? I do enjoy “spicy” candy (by which I mean Red Hots and the cinnamon gum that I love so dearly) although this MIGHT be a little too much. However, if Jelly Belly really wants to appeal to their younger customers, I suggest marketing Sriracha jelly beans.
Would I try this: Eh, maybe?
7. Draft Beer
In picture, they look so shiny that if I had a bag of these, I may be tempted to mount these on my wall like buck antlers rather than eat (or drink) them. You’re probably wondering, so I’ll give you the disappointment now rather than later. No, you can’t get drunk off of these. According to the label, they are “alcohol free.” You can, however, bring a bowlful of these to a frat party, or, if you are a bartender, to your job site. *Disclaimer: The author of this article cannot be held responsible for anyone who doesn’t work as a bartender and loses their job by bringing these to work anyway.
Would I try this: Maybe, but not without some second thoughts. The taste won’t get me, but the texture combined with the taste might. (Gummy beer?)
Continuing with the pepper theme, there is also a jalapeno flavor from Jelly Belly. I remember these because I ran into them once as a child (although I didn’t eat them.) My family and I were on our way home after a cruise; we had just arrived at the airport and were in the gift shop. My dad grabbed a bag of these and at least thought of buying them, although I don’t remember if he did or not. This flavor is now discontinued, although it’s probably sold on Amazon.
Would I try this: Same as the draft beer. The taste may be fine, but the combination of spicy pepper flavor and gummy candy texture might be too much for my addled stomach.
4. Bacon Beans
In the midst of the Baconmania movement, people will stop at absolutely nothing to see how far they can go with bacon. There is bacon soda, bacon toothpaste, and even the bacon maple donut. This is the only item on this list not made by Jelly Belly. Instead, Bacon Beans are manufactured by someone else, although I can’t find the company name. They may well be their own company.
3. Roasted garlic
Garlic is delicious and popular, as long as you aren’t about to make out with someone. However, garlic is not generally associated with dessert items, which is probably why Jelly Belly discontinued this flavor.
Would I try this: Probably not.
Most readers will not know what guarana is, besides knowing that it’s a jelly bean flavor and a plant that produces black-eyed red berries, just from looking at the picture and seeing it on this list. Therefore, this entry requires a brief explanation. The guarana is a species of tree that grows around the Amazon basin. The berries can also be brown. The plant is rich in caffeine, which is a form of protection against being eaten due to the toxic effects of caffeine on animals, especially herbivores. In Latin countries, it is used to flavor sodas. At one point, Jelly Belly used it as a flavor, which it also discontinued.
Even though there are multiple flavors included in BeanBoozled, I had to include all of them together, and I had to put this at #1. BeanBoozled is basically what you would buy if you want to pull a mean party prank. There are twice as many flavors as colors–each color has a good flavor, and a bad flavor. The joke is that the flavors look exactly alike, so you don’t know if it’s the good or bad flavor until after you’ve eaten it. The assortment includes: buttered popcorn and rotten egg, chocolate pudding and canned dog food, coconut and baby wipes, licorice and skunk spray, just to name a few. This is from the Third Edition. This year, they are coming out with a fourth edition, which has yet to be released at time of the writing of this article. This is going to include two new flavor-color combos: dead fish/strawberry banana smoothie, and spoiled milk/coconut.
Would I try this: Bloody hell no.
Bonus video: In this funny Youtube video, self-proclaimed Toy Guru Mike Mozart reviews a variety of “fail” Easter products: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H7vhaX-UKPM